Thursday, December 09, 2010

From the mind of an over-thinker...

holidays day 6 :: every little thing

I think to say that I have been feeling out of sorts lately would be a vast under statement. For the past several months, since July to be exact, I have been living in what feels like repetitious holding patterns. I waited months to hear about a job that I didn't get, then I waited months to hear news of another possible project, then I waited at home for a month while my son switched schools. If there is one thing that I know about myself it is that holding patterns do not become me. It lends me to being an over-thinker, always trying to balance thoughts and see both sides of things. Then, often, in doing so, I have trouble figuring out what exactly *I* think/believe/want. Ask me something and my impulsive answer is probably my opinion, but it is that sitting and waiting with thoughts that lets a lot of doubt creep in. I have been having to do that a lot lately... sitting and waiting with thoughts. And OH how the doubt has crept in.

I have tried to make the best of it. I have been trying to listen to my heart while waiting for this or that. My heart has shown me that I have a craving for something more... and there are several mores at that. I am not at all sad or depressed or in need of medication... I am just trying to find my way... my path. But what path? Right now, in this moment, I feel that any path I choose starts with a huge leap of faith, as if the path I have been on has lead to a cliff and the only option is to jump and trust I can fly. A very dear friend sent me this text today, "Then maybe not a leap of faith, but putting one foot in front of the other on a path you began to traverse long ago? It's had scenic views and side trails, but hasn't the journey been about finding yourself in a creative life since the beginning?" She is completely right. My path has had majestic views, in the past 7 years I have dreamed and accomplished things that a younger me would never had thought possible. And I wouldn't trade the side trail adventures for the world. It IS all about finding myself in through a creative/created life.

On the first day of Reverb 10, the prompt was this: "December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)"


As soon as I read this, my words came to me. Not my One Little Word that I chose to seek out throughout the year, but one that fits what the year has been and what I hope for the year to come. Stirring is my word to encapsulate 2010. I choose it because it is what best describes what I have felt for much of this year. I feel a stirring in my being/heart/soul. I think that I have been feeling it for sometime and until now, I haven't really been able to put my finger on what it is I have been feeling. But, yeah, it is a stirring. I have been sleeping through too much of my life, going through motions on auto pilot, and not taking the time to know/understand myself. This year, more than other, I have felt the hand on my shoulder shaking me awake. And that makes for hope for 2011 Awakening. I want to awaken to possibility of what this creative life of mine can truly be. I want to listen/live/love with my whole heart.

It is scary... completely terrifying... if you ask me while I am over thinking. Impulsively, it is exciting and exhilaration. Sitting, waiting, and thinking... doubt creeps in. Change is needed though. I feel that through and through. It has already started. You are going to find me here less, but more when I am. I know that I need this place, and I need the friendships I have made through this place. But, I won't be writing just for the sake of hearing my own voice. What is here will have more substance to it. Substance is another good word. Overall, I am will be "online" less to connect more with myself and my life as it is happening. I fear I have been numbing myself to what I feel through mindless hours in a virtual world (thank you Brene Brown and The Gifts Of Imperfection for that wake up call). I signed a contract today, too, to do something will push me in a different way creatively... more on that soon. And I made a phone call this morning to claim a studio space all my own. Change is gonna be good.

Thank you... for listening to my over-thought ramblings, and for staying with me no matter where my journey leads. Thank you friends.

holidays day 7 :: express yourself
(making a snow angel)

11 comments:

quiltingjewel39 said...

That's really an insightful post. I don't respond often but I am considerably older than you but am going through some "stirrings" also so can relate some. You are a very talented person and showing great maturity in your thought process. Go for it next year! I will definitely hang around the blog to see where you go and will be thinking good thoughts for you.

Nonie said...

I to am much ahead of you in years but feel such a strong urge to change it up for me! Obstacles have been In the path of the creative life I fantasize about and I am already working on my resolve for 2011. These are not easy obstacles to get by but I can't move forward with them in my way. It's never to late they say. I'm gonna go with that.
I so enjoy your blog Kerry. I find it uplifting, inspiring and motivating. Keep up the good work.
Nonie

Cindy said...

Kerry, I hear you. I think I've been doing the same recently, about being online less and actually spending time in my "real" life. The online world is wonderful but takes up so much of my valuable time.
Congrats on the contract!! Are you celebrating with Hot Fudge Cake again?
And another Congrats on the studio space...I know this was a huge decision. You have a lot of exciting things ahead of you now...

Brené said...

Love this post and picture! Inspiring!

Janet said...

I can see what you are saying Kerry! The winds of time change everything and you will be onto other changes..other journeys soon. I wish you the very best but your a strong wind yourself and I know you will land firmly on your feet Kerry! Hang tight.

Kerry said...

Thank you everyone.
And a special thank you Brene!! Welcome to my blog and thanks so much for stopping by.

Barbara Lewis said...

What a powerful post! Just keep moving, as you're doing ... sometimes it will be a side motion, but moving in any case. I'm thrilled for you that you have studio space. Even at my age, I feel as though I've just grown up!

About online ... my 26 y/o daughter made a comment to me recently that she didn't realize there was so much drama in the "virtual" world! I laughed ...

P.S. Absolutely love the photo ... love, love, love ... so appropriate to your post!

Kerry said...

Thanks Barbara... and I laugh at the "virtual" drama too, lol. Oh how I used to let myself get caught up in it. So glad to let it go the past few years. It is easy to get sucked into though. Gotta be mindful of what is really most important.

Laura Twiford said...

Kerry, I can also really relate to your post. i am just a few steps ahead of you as this was my year for these stirrings and why i started a blog in the first place. Funny isn't it? I was intrigued by the title of the book and ordered one immediately from amazon. any excuse for a bookaholic! I wish you the best in all your new quests and will be watching for all the new endeavors here! have fun in your studio!

Alice said...

I like your friend's comment. Sometimes we are already on the right path but don't even know it until we take but just one more step.

This is the time of year where we take stock of where we've been and where we want to go. I hope you find that all you need is to 'Just Do It'.

Ellen said...

Loved your post - I will enjoy following you as you embark on your new journeys.