I think to say that I have been feeling out of sorts lately would be a vast under statement. For the past several months, since July to be exact, I have been living in what feels like repetitious holding patterns. I waited months to hear about a job that I didn't get, then I waited months to hear news of another possible project, then I waited at home for a month while my son switched schools. If there is one thing that I know about myself it is that holding patterns do not become me. It lends me to being an over-thinker, always trying to balance thoughts and see both sides of things. Then, often, in doing so, I have trouble figuring out what exactly *I* think/believe/want. Ask me something and my impulsive answer is probably my opinion, but it is that sitting and waiting with thoughts that lets a lot of doubt creep in. I have been having to do that a lot lately... sitting and waiting with thoughts. And OH how the doubt has crept in.
I have tried to make the best of it. I have been trying to listen to my heart while waiting for this or that. My heart has shown me that I have a craving for something more... and there are several mores at that. I am not at all sad or depressed or in need of medication... I am just trying to find my way... my path. But what path? Right now, in this moment, I feel that any path I choose starts with a huge leap of faith, as if the path I have been on has lead to a cliff and the only option is to jump and trust I can fly. A very dear friend sent me this text today, "Then maybe not a leap of faith, but putting one foot in front of the other on a path you began to traverse long ago? It's had scenic views and side trails, but hasn't the journey been about finding yourself in a creative life since the beginning?" She is completely right. My path has had majestic views, in the past 7 years I have dreamed and accomplished things that a younger me would never had thought possible. And I wouldn't trade the side trail adventures for the world. It IS all about finding myself in through a creative/created life.
On the first day of Reverb 10, the prompt was this: "December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)"
As soon as I read this, my words came to me. Not my One Little Word that I chose to seek out throughout the year, but one that fits what the year has been and what I hope for the year to come. Stirring is my word to encapsulate 2010. I choose it because it is what best describes what I have felt for much of this year. I feel a stirring in my being/heart/soul. I think that I have been feeling it for sometime and until now, I haven't really been able to put my finger on what it is I have been feeling. But, yeah, it is a stirring. I have been sleeping through too much of my life, going through motions on auto pilot, and not taking the time to know/understand myself. This year, more than other, I have felt the hand on my shoulder shaking me awake. And that makes for hope for 2011 Awakening. I want to awaken to possibility of what this creative life of mine can truly be. I want to listen/live/love with my whole heart.
It is scary... completely terrifying... if you ask me while I am over thinking. Impulsively, it is exciting and exhilaration. Sitting, waiting, and thinking... doubt creeps in. Change is needed though. I feel that through and through. It has already started. You are going to find me here less, but more when I am. I know that I need this place, and I need the friendships I have made through this place. But, I won't be writing just for the sake of hearing my own voice. What is here will have more substance to it. Substance is another good word. Overall, I am will be "online" less to connect more with myself and my life as it is happening. I fear I have been numbing myself to what I feel through mindless hours in a virtual world (thank you Brene Brown and The Gifts Of Imperfection for that wake up call). I signed a contract today, too, to do something will push me in a different way creatively... more on that soon. And I made a phone call this morning to claim a studio space all my own. Change is gonna be good.
Thank you... for listening to my over-thought ramblings, and for staying with me no matter where my journey leads. Thank you friends.
(making a snow angel)